Boundary setting has become somewhat of a catch phrase these days. Movements like ‘MeToo’ and ‘LGBTQ’ have given voice to those who were previously dismissed and have drawn new lines around what is and what is not acceptable. In the past it might have been acceptable for a man to “joke” about a woman’s body and his desire for it, this is now recognized as sexual harassment. Whereas one’s identity was once defined by society, now individuals are more able to claim their own space and dictate how they wish to be acknowledged by others.
While the rise in conversations about consent has been welcomed, the concept of saying no or expressing needs remains unfamiliar for many of us. We might question:
- How do I know if what I’m asking for is fair?
- What happens if asking for this means I lose something else, like the other person’s approval?
- What if I’m not even sure what I want?
These concerns can make boundary setting feel like an arduous task. Rather than empowering us, these thoughts can feel suffocating, as though they are forcing rigid lines around issues and emotions that are inherently fluid. This struggle can lead to increased anxiety and uncertainty, impacting our mental health and the quality of our relationships.
Reclaiming Relationships and our Mental Health: Windows instead of Walls
Finding the balance between asserting our needs and maintaining connections is crucial in fostering healthy dynamics. Instead of fighting the more fluid nature of boundaries, embracing this concept could help us navigate this challenge with greater ease and confidence. If we reconsider the word “boundary” and see it as less of a wall or a fence, and more as a window, we can begin to see it as a point of connection.
A window is a boundary of sorts, but instead of hiding what lies behind its glass, it helps others see what is inside. It could be the need to be taken more seriously, or to be respected, or to be seen in a certain way. When we tell others that we would like them to use certain pronouns, or arrive on time, or refrain from treating us in a certain way, we’re not just telling them what we don’t want, we’re also telling them what we value. We’re declaring that this is something important to us. So, what we’re doing is offering an opportunity for connection and paving a road for healthier relationships (with ourselves and with others).
When it is positioned in this way, constructing a window boundary might feel less daunting. Instead of worrying about whether our needs are imposing on the feelings of others, or asking too much of them, the window can instead be seen as an invitation for others to understand us better.
It is important to bear in mind that windows suggest the possibility of being opened, especially if the conditions are right. When we think of boundary setting, we often think of the hard boundaries constructed after we have been pushed too far. We might have held back from saying no for so long that our anger took control and forced a hard, strong border to stand between us and the other person.
While in some cases hard walls are appropriate – such as instances of physical, emotional or sexual abuse – much of the time, we regret such a drastic move. Not only is the other person shut out, but we also have no room to manoeuvre. Often, we regret not being able to communicate at all. We might have wanted to create some distance or shown some resolve, but nothing so strong it created a permanent barrier between us and the other person. Instead of the boundary serving us, it now isolates us.
This is all quite abstract, so an example might clarify the point:
Your mother keeps calling and asking you when you’ll get married. You have tried to fob her off with reassurance that there is still time. Your mother does not realise that each time she asks, it makes you feel as though she is disappointed in you. That even though you are fine with your relationship status, her questions make you feel as though you are not doing enough. This makes you less keen to call or to visit.
Instead of ghosting her or freezing her out completely, creating a window could allow her to see what is going on for you. “Mum, I know you want me to be happy, but when you ask me why I’m still single, it makes me worry that you are disappointed and that makes me feel sad. I need you to stop asking.”
Rather than avoid her calls (which is a boundary of sorts) you are giving her insight into your perspective and a chance to respect your wishes. Instead of a wall, you are offering the chance to connect.
To construct helpful windows, ask yourself:
- What do I need?
- What feeling underpins this need?
- How would I like the other person to respond to or attend to that feeling
- How can I help direct them, so they understand what I want
If you are clear and expressly communicate what you need, the chances of the other person putting their foot in it or misunderstanding decreases. It is important to remember that while we have a clear understanding of what we want, others are not always privy to that insight. They might say or do the wrong thing, not because they do not care, but because their perspective and approach might be different from ours. So when it comes to improving our mental health and our relationships, giving others the chance to understand enough of what is going on so they can give us what we need, is important. Whether it is a wall or a window, recognising that boundaries come in all shapes and sizes is essential to giving yourself and others the chance to use them effectively.
Photo Credits:
First image: PeterHermesFurian
Second image: unna10
Tamsyn Rippon
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