Parenting an LGBTQ+ Teen: What You Can do When They Come Out

Protecting your LGBTQ+ child’s mental health

Be accepting

You might wonder, “Is this just a phase?” Please don’t express this thought out loud. I would encourage you to embrace rather than dismiss your child’s sharing. For them, they might be just wondering about who they are; this version of their identity or sexual attraction may pass, but they will remember how you reacted.

One of the most loving actions a parent can provide to their child is the space to learn about thinking critically about who they are, and how they want to express themselves. Let your child know these explorations are OK. Encourage dialogue where you really listen.

There is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+ – This is not a situation that needs to be fixed. If you find yourself hung up on your own non-acceptance, I encourage you to consider the future of your relationship and choose to take a pause rather than simply rebut your child’s perspective. When we explore rejection of parents by their adult children, research suggests gay adults find it extremely difficult to maintain relationships with parents who they perceive as rejecting of their identity. I implore you to explore your child’s decision to share information about their identity with you, as a crossroads to your future relationship. It may sound severe, but in reality, you may be choosing between your future relationship with your LGBTQ+ adult child, over no relationship with your imagined or preferred straight offspring.

This is especially important because research on LGBTQ+ mental health highlights this population is more susceptible to depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and loneliness compared to other teens. These are global trends, so we can assume youth in Hong Kong experiences mental health stressors as well. This is correlative, not causative. Regardless, you may fear for your child’s mental health safety. Having a supportive relationship at home has a protective effect for all teens, including those of the LGBTQ+ community. Blaming or shaming your child will likely exacerbate their negative mental health experiences.  Conversely acceptance and validation will ensure your child has an important adult in their life that they can lean on if they encounter mental health challenges.

From my perspective as a counsellor, I sometimes experience parents struggling with the concept of “dead naming”. If a teen identifies as transgender, non-binary, or gender queer, they may choose a new name, often one that is androgenous, to express their new identity. The act of changing one’s name to something that better represents them is usually seen as an empowering act for the LGBTQ+ teen. The name their parents gave to them then becomes “dead”; a part of the identity they wish to leave behind.

It can feel challenging to stop using the name that you attentively selected specifically for your child. Allow yourself some time, and grace to adjust. Discuss what the new name means to your teen. Try to understand their point of view. There have been cases in Hong Kong when parents learnt about the chosen name only after learning the child is using their new name, with support, at school. This indicates the importance of liaising closely with the school and considering the benefit of acceptance in this situation. Open and accepting conversations really help.