Playing Small to Keep the Peace: The People-Pleasing Trap & Its Mental Health Cost

Do you most often want to prioritise other peoples’ needs and desires?

Do you exert significant efforts to satisfy others?

Despite your health and well-being being affected, do you continue to have an overwhelming urge to say yes to others’ requests or demands?  

If you’ve answered yes to all the above questions, then maybe you’re a people pleaser. Because people-pleasing involves prioritizing the needs, expectations and emotional comfort of others over one’s own comfort. You say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no.’ You apologize when you’re not sorry and even when you’re angry. This behavior appears among individuals who exert significant effort to satisfy others, often at the expense of their own well-being. In many cases, it reflects women saying yes when they mean no, even when it comes at the cost of their own emotional boundaries.

While people-pleasing isn’t limited to women, a small 2022 survey shows that women are more likely to exhibit this behavior than men. Moreover, people-pleasing is recognised as a relational orientation. Feminist psychological literature has often emphasized on women’s identities being constructed through relational roles and expectations of emotional responsiveness. As a result, women may suppress thoughts, emotions or dissatisfaction in order to preserve relational stability. Collectivistic cultures also emphasize harmony and interpersonal relationships, thereby reinforcing people-pleasing as an important way to socialize and even survive in society. This desire to please others may sometimes become chronic, leading to heightened neuroticism, anxiety and emotional exhaustion.  

So, why exactly do women people-please? 

• To gain self-worth and love
• To evade dislike, abandonment and rejection
• To shield self from uncomfortable conflicts, particularly within social circles and families  
• To secure a sense of safety against potential rejection or isolation
• To avoid harming others’ feelings or the possibility of disappointing them
• To receive external approval and acceptance 
• To uphold the ideas of familial duty and moral responsibility
• To maintain family cohesion and relational responsibility 
• To sustain overly rigid and unrealistic expectations for social interactions 
• To fulfil their strong sense of empathy i.e. the desire to alleviate others’ pain and suffering, even if it comes at their own expense

Sadly, the list may go on and on…. 

In fact, research in feminist psychology has pointed out that women’s identities are often shaped around relational orientation and caring in response to the needs of others. Social expectations of femininity often revolve around caring, modesty and deference to family roles and responsibilities. Over time, this conditioning normalizes women saying yes when they mean no, making self-sacrifice appear like emotional strength rather than a silent form of strain.

The Downside

When expectations of acceptance aren’t fulfilled by the external environment, pleasing people can become a trap for anyone (especially women) engaging in it. It may result in unfavourable outcomes as people-pleasers exhibit high levels of agreeableness and (i.e., a tendency to be friendly, cooperative, and considerate when interacting with others) and neuroticism (i.e., a tendency to experience negative emotions such as anxiety and self-doubt with greater intensity and frequency). Such a combination may lead to difficulty in regulating emotions and greater psychological distress. Furthermore, these women may be more prone to mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression due to the emotional strain caused by their excessive desire to please others. 

People-pleasing behaviors are also associated with emotional exhaustion, as women take on additional responsibilities and tasks to gain others’ approval, which can have a detrimental effect on their overall well-being. It can lead to burnout and resentment. Feelings of solitude and loneliness may also be amplified as she may suppress her authentic self in order to accommodate others. This may further lead to shallow or unsatisfying interpersonal relationships and social connections. Additionally, people-pleasers also have low self-esteem, self-efficacy, and emotional stability, as their sense of worth is largely dependent on external validation. This over-reliance on others’ approval can undermine mental well-being, contributing to feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. It even impacts our health as women. One study found that women will actually eat more if they think it will please another person. 

In all, while people-pleasing behaviors may help secure social harmony and acceptance, it has severe mental health consequences for the ones engaging in it as if their life depends on it. Patterns of women saying yes when they mean no often disguise emotional distress that slowly erodes boundaries and identity. They may interfere with their ability to develop and maintain authentic relationships, uphold emotional balance and foster a positive sense of self.