Attachment styles is a concept derived from John Bowlby’s famous attachment theory. It refers to a person’s characteristic ways of being in intimate relationships, often with parents, friends and romantic partners. It is a habitual pattern of expectations, needs, emotions and behaviours in interpersonal interactions and close relationships.
Theory of Attachment Styles:
Bowlby’s attachment theory is a general theory of social and emotional development. As per the theory, infants are born with a set of attachment behaviors designed by evolution to ensure closeness towards attachment figures (usually parents or primary caregivers) who provide safety, security, support, comfort, exploration and help with effective emotional regulation. The theory emphasizes relationships and interactions in which one person seeks proximity, protection, comfort, and support from another. It highlights the human need for affection and support and the fundamental influence of one person on another— not because one person is submissive and the other is dominant, but because one is vulnerable, at least in the moment, and the other is a potential safe haven.
What are the Types of Attachment Styles:
The concept of attachment styles was first introduced by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, following her “Strange Situation” experiment with infants. Her work highlighted 3 main attachment styles based on how the child responds to separations and reunions with caregivers.
Secure Attachment Style:
The secure attachment style is rooted in experiences in which a caregiver responded favorably to the child seeking comfort, protection and encouragement in response to threats or difficulties. Infants who typically react with observable signs of distress on separation with their caregiver but recover quickly upon their return were classified as secure. They would go back to exploration, greet their caregivers with joy and affection, initiate contact with them and respond positively to being picked up and held.
Anxious Attachment Style:
The anxious attachment style is rooted in parental anxiety and inconsistency. On separation, infants with an anxious attachment style get hyperactivated. They cry and protest angrily on separation and show angry or resistant reactions upon reunion. This is because their hyperactivation (protesting loudly when a caregiver is self-preoccupied, distracted, or inattentive; crying loudly and persistently; being vigilant about possible separations and loss of support) is often rewarded. This makes it difficult for them to be soothed and returned to creative play.
Avoidant Attachment Style:
The avoidant attachment style is rooted in experiences in which the natural, instinctual tendency to seek proximity and protection when distressed was met with punishment, distancing, or neglect. The avoidant infant is forced to learn to suppress his or her attachment behavior in order to receive adequate or minimal care. Therefore, avoidant infants express little distress on separation from their caregiver and actively turn away or avoid them upon reunion.
Childhood Experiences and Attachment Styles:
While attachment styles may be rooted in early caregiving experiences, they are not all that lead to the development of a secure, anxious or avoidant attachment style. Unstable family environment (e.g.: parental mental health concerns such as alcoholism, depression; absence of a parent, etc.), lower quality friendships and less supportive parenting, all contribute to adult attachment styles. Adverse childhood experiences such as neglect, physical, emotional or sexual abuse, violence, disasters, loss, betraylas, disruption in attachment relationships, caregivers’ emotional dysregulation and others also shape the way one forms relationships as adults.
Impact of Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships:
The development of resources for maintaining emotional stability in times of stress, encouraging intimate and deeply interdependent bonds with others, maximizing personal adjustment, and expanding the person’s perspectives and capacities is based on the physical and emotional availability of a caregiver. It denotes whether one forms a secure attachment style or an insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment style.
Secure Attachment Style:
Adults with a secure attachment style often find it easier to get close to others and are comfortable depending on them. Likewise, they’re okay with others depending on them and aren’t afraid of being abandoned or getting too close to someone. At the intrapsychic level, a secure adult is resilient, can sustain emotional wellbeing and think positively about self and others. At the interpersonal level, they can build and maintain warm, satisfying, stable and harmonious relationships. People with a secure attachment style remain relatively unperturbed during times of stress and experience longer periods of positive affect. Individuals with a secure attachment style generally feel safe and protected and perceive themselves as valuable, lovable, and special.
Example: Winnie has been dating her partner for a year. When work gets stressful, she talks openly about how she feels instead of shutting down. If her partner needs space, she respects it without overthinking. She feels confident that she is loved, and this allows her to build a calm, stable, and emotionally fulfilling relationship.
Anxious Attachment Style:
Individuals with an anxious attachment style find that others are reluctant to get as close to them as they would like. They often worry that they are unlovable or unwanted in close relationships. As a result they strive to get closer to others and constantly prove their value, sometimes scaring people away. People with such an attachment style use hyperactivating strategies such as clinginess, constant reassurance, hypervigilance, urgent resolution of conflicts, dwelling on the past, demanding public displays of affection,over-apologizing, checking behaviours, etc. to deal with insecurity and distress. For anxiously attached individuals, distress is often intensified in comparison to the stressor and they have an uncontrollable stream of negative memories, thoughts, and emotions.
Example: Raymond often worries that his girlfriend might lose interest in him. If she takes longer than usual to reply to a message, he starts overthinking and sends multiple follow-ups. He frequently seeks reassurance, asking if everything is okay between them, even when there’s no clear issue. His fear of being unwanted sometimes creates tension in the relationship.
Avoidant Attachment Style:
Those with an avoidant attachment style feel uncomfortable getting close to others. They find it very difficult to completely trust someone or rely on them. Whenever someone gets too close, they get nervous. They often believe that others want to get more intimate with them than they would like. Therefore, they prefer to maintain an emotional distance and rely on themselves. In order to cope with insecurity and distress, individuals with an avoidant attachment style use deactivating attachment and affect regulation strategies such as intellectualization, physical or psychological distance, emotional numbness, suppression, focusing on other person’s flaws, compulsive independence, etc. While they are great at maintaining a facade of strength and security, they ignore, misinterpret, or misunderstand their own emotions and have difficulty dealing with prolonged, demanding stressors that require active confrontation. In addition, people with an avoidant attachment style are able to suppress or ignore distress consciously. This distress can still be indirectly manifested in somatic symptoms, sleep problems, and other physical health problems. Moreover, avoidant individuals can transform unresolved distress into feelings of hostility, loneliness, and estrangement from others.
Example: Michelle values her independence and feels uneasy when her partner tries to get emotionally close. When conflicts arise, she prefers to withdraw rather than talk things through. She keeps herself busy with work and avoids sharing vulnerable feelings, which makes her partner feel distant and disconnected.
Attachment Styles: The Working Model
Cognitive functioning is one of the major factors that shape one’s attachment style. Ainsworth and Bowlby’s work focused on how memories and thoughts affect one’s relationships. All of us use an internal working system i.e. mental blueprints formed on the basis of our experiences with our caregivers, when forming attachments. For instance, if an individual had a supportive caregiver, who was there at the time of need then their cognitive map will show that people are caring. But on the other hand, if the child had caregivers who were not caring and did not provide required support, their cognitive maps would show that people are not caring. The quality of interactions with our caregivers significantly impacts our internal working model. If the quality of interaction is positive, we learn positive things about relationships and our view is shaped accordingly. Therefore, understanding early interaction with caregivers is important in understanding how childhood interactions affect interactions in adult life.
Can I Change my Attachment Style:
While changing your attachment style is possible, it requires hard work, effort and dedication. And the first step is to identify what your attachment style is. Creating a sense of self-awareness on your attachment style will help you gain a clear starting point on your journey to a secure attachment style. One of the best ways to do this is with the support of a mental health professional. They’ll be able to help you identify your attachment style and also provide you with tools to transform it into your desired attachment style.
Learn from Others
Think about someone who you believe to have a secure attachment style. This may be a family member or a friend or anyone else. Consider learning from them. Create an intentional connection with them in order to observe and learn secure attachment style behaviours. This can also provide you with a trusting space where you can freely and safely experience a secure bond.
Be Reflective and Proactive
It’s important to become aware of your distorted thoughts and behaviours if you want to have a secure attachment style. Some of the strategies for that are:
- Keeping an emotions journal: It may be a good idea to record your most recurrent emotions when you think about your relationships. This can help you identify patterns. For example, do you typically feel others don’t love you enough?
- Looking for evidence: Once you identify your most recurrent thoughts and emotions about relationships, consider identifying the evidence that would support or contradict those thoughts. For example, which of your partner’s behaviors let you know they don’t (or do) love you?
- Pausing your reactions: Now that you are aware of some of your dysfunctional thoughts and behaviours, refrain from reacting immediately to what you assume is happening. Wait to calm down, identify the evidence for your assumptions and then respond based on that.
- Thinking of the other person: Part of having a secure attachment style is becoming accountable for your role in the relationship. For that, think about the ways in which your behaviors may affect the other person. Are you distrusting someone without evidence? Are you pushing away someone that truly cares about you?
- Assessing your choices: Relationships happen between two people. Therefore, it is also important to assess your bonds objectively.
- Communicating openly: Expressing how you feel in a clear way can help your partner recognize your needs and respond to them. It may also help you increase your confidence in the safe spaces your relationship provides.
Attachment styles may shape how we relate to others, but they don’t define the limits of our relationships. With growing self-awareness, consistent effort, and supportive connections, it’s possible to shift patterns that no longer serve you. Over time, small changes in how you think, feel, and respond can create more secure, balanced, and meaningful relationships.
Photo Credits:
First image: Olga Bonitas
References
Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: Four lessons. Current opinion in psychology, 25, 26-30.
Kedia, R., & Sharma, R. (2025). Childhood Trauma and Attachment Styles among Young Adults. International Journal of Indian Psychȯlogy, 13(3).
Montijo, S., & Silva, S. (2021). Anxious in relationships? You could change attachment styles. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-insecure-attachment-style#how-to-transition
Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2009). An overview of adult attachment theory. Attachment theory and research in clinical work with adults, 17-45.
Sakshi
About the author
Sakshi is a clinical psychologist with a deep passion for understanding human behavior, a strong drive for research, and a keen eye for psychological intricacies. Committed to continuous learning, she seeks to explore every facet of psychology, from theory to practice, to better support and empower individuals. With a curiosity that fuels her pursuit of knowledge, she strives to bridge the gap between research and real-world applications, making psychology more accessible and impactful.
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